Caregiving is a family affair
One of Major General Tony Taguba’s hardest battles came from a lack of better communication around his parents’ caregiving needs.
“Some 10 years ago, my mother told us she was dying at a family reunion. It was a shock; we didn’t know what to think. We had no plan. She had cancer and had six months to two years left to live. Our first response was to say, ‘We’ll take care of you, Mom and Dad.’
“There are seven of us, so we came up with a schedule of who were to care for my parents. But two of my brothers couldn’t be available to take their turns. This caused a lot of resentment that carried over to the day my mother died. Meanwhile, my mother didn’t want to have to deal with seven kids. She designated three of us as executors of her wishes—me and my two sisters. After my mom passed away, I found out later that my father made my youngest sister the sole executor, and she didn’t tell me until I confronted her. When the others found out, this led to name-calling and more hostilities.
“When my mom died, I was able to say goodbye but I had to fly home and trust the affairs to my eldest sister. I told her I’d be back after two days. That night, I got a call and found out that my siblings were fighting. There was a lot of anger, distrust, and disappointment. I think it stemmed from the fact that not all of us took care of my mom. I couldn’t do anything from thousands of miles away. I was so frustrated—my mom’s body wasn’t even cold yet!
“When my dad died, I couldn’t let it happen again. I called a family meeting, our kids included, and told them we had to stop this BS of getting at each other’s throats. Otherwise, our kids would be the beneficiaries of our anger and would have to take sides. We can’t pass on our issues to them.
“Now, I tell people to plan for the worst and hope for the best. If you plan for the worst, you can always make the adjustment to make it better. That takes a lot of patience.
“Caregiving is not cyclic. It’s linear. It’s long-term. You have to start that conversation—sooner, not later. That conversation does not happen once but over time. And include your parents in the talks. Then, be realistic. Know this is going to create a lot of tension. But focus on what you want: one, you love your parents. Two, you want them safe and not let anything bad happen. Three, you want them secure—bills paid, mortgage cared for, documents managed. And then show up. Take your turn. Be available. Because one day it will happen to you. You will need someone to take care of you too.